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“You have no idea how much shit I have to do tonight. What I would do to be able to take some bong hits, lay on the couch and watch National Lampoon movies. Hopefully, I’ll get some decent cookies this year and it wouldn’t hurt if I saw some lingerie from some of those single moms. A happy ending is the least they could do for me for dragging all this crap around all night. Aw fuck, hold on, I think I forgot some of those gifts. Hold on, I gotta call an elf. ‘Elf. Elf! Listen, get your ass down here. I forgot those Cabbage Patch Kids. No. No. I checked. I don’t have them. Hurry up!’ Sorry, what was I saying? Listen buddy, are you going to sit on my lap or what? I have shit to do.”

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